4000

The 4000th book has just been added to the database. Not that this was "officially" the 4000th book purchased. Who the hell knows what that one might have been. This just happened to be the 4000th that I bothered to add to the database that I purchased from collectorz.com. Not a bad little program for the price. According to the dvd notes for Unbreakable, I am now an average collector.

Impact!

Nah. Not my real X-ray, but you get the point anyhow. Somehow, my damn wisdom teeth waited until way, way, waaaaay late in life to start fucking around. So, this week, I tripped off to the dentist to bitch a bit about tooth and jaw pain, only to be told that there was nothing he could do about it, and then the dreaded "consult" came. Off to the oral surgeon, I did trundle.

Not that I expected it to be fantastic news, but jumping giraffes on pogo-sticks, I sure as hell wasn't prepared for the gloom and a doom that came next. First of all, it is really difficult to take anybody seriously when they are wearing one of those coal miner's set ups in broad daylight. I was bit fixated on that, when he started running down the numbers. One in ten chance of this going bad; one in five chance of that going bad. "You smoke? Well, just figure that this, this, and this is really going to jack you up..."

Oh yeah, and I am pretty much guaranteed nerve damage. At least bruising will cause me to lose sensation in my lower lip for six months. Maybe permanently. Especially on the right side, where it seems the roots have wrapped around the nerve.

So, shit.

On a lighter note, I do love the Vicodin.

I was at home watching Roseanne re-runs.

Everything tastes better...

You can mash up just about anything, stick it inside a pita pocket and it tastes pretty damn good.

Today:
Diced carrots, cucumber, yellow onion, banana and sunflower seeds. Toss with a bit of Newman's Own Ranch. Toasted pita...Yum Yum!

I still don't fully understand this movie...

Seriously, don't put these in your sister's hair...I mean it.

From Crackle: SSP Racers!

Saturday Morning, After School, Any Time is a good Time pt. 1

You can stop watching YouTube now...Everything has been done.

Hey Kids! Fiction!

The average man thinks of sex once every 52 seconds. I am not an average man. I think of killing myself once every 52 seconds. It’s the ink, I tell myself. It is the ink that marks my face, my neck, my back that tells me to end it all. It is the ink that courses through my veins, the ink that my father forced into my life that guides my every action. It is the ink that led me first to K and then to the boy, Reason.

The ink speaks to me. It tells me that I will not see another sunset. The ink tells me that if I am to save myself, I must save the boy first. It says to me as clear as midway barker on a spring afternoon that I must obey K’s every command. The ink lies as much as it tells the truth.

The ink and I are the same, and I cannot trust one more than the other.— May 4th

From the Journals of Squish the Klown

The cow says...

Apparently, I was a pretty precocious kid. Anyhow, I used to get home from school, kindergarten, everyday at the same time and would be greeted by the same question from my mother, "What did you do in school today?" Well, truth-be-told, the same thing as we did the day before, we tied our shoe laces, ate some cookies, a kid wet his pants, and we did naps after story time. Already, by age five, I had become jaded and bored with how mundane the "twenty hour work week" could be. It's kindergarten, we only worked half shifts making cotton snow men. So, anyhow, one day my mom unleashes the same old question, and I just straight up told her that one of my classmates, Randy Dyer, has an uncle who owns a dairy farm and he brought a cow to school for everyone to see and pet. My mom was absolutely amazed and pleased that we got to experience something as "udderly" awesome as that. Pardon the pun, when one is there, I have to take it, union rules that I will explain later. Anyhow, I stuck with the cow story, elaborated on it some, and then went off to play super heroes out in our back yard. For some reason I was always Aquaman, which doesn't make sense because he's a blonde and I am not. Well, about three days later, my best friend Todd's mother is down for coffee with my mom. Shirley had gone to high school with my mom and they were close friends themselves for years. So, over coffee cake and conversation, my mom tells Shirley, "Wasn't it incredible how that boy's uncle brought a cow to the school for all the kids to see?" Shirley was absolutely flabbergasted that her son would have failed to mention something so out of the ordinary. So, Shirley calls Todd away from a fairly fierce debate over whether Iron Man could beat Spiderman in a fight and asks him about the cow. Todd didn't know anything about any cow, and was far too slow, even as a best friend, to help cover my tracks. He just shrugged, said, "Nope. Never happened," and came back to the living room to start a new debate: Superman vs. The Hulk.

Later that week, after the results of my spanking had somewhat subsided, my mom attended the semi-annual parent/teacher conference and Mrs. Clancy began her assessment of my progress on the whole tying the shoes, not eating the paste, counting to 12 sort of work we had been doing. My mom quickly cut to the chase, much quicker than I am obviously capable of, and asked her about this whole cow mythos that I had concocted. Mrs. Clancy simply looked at her and said, "Well, he's obviously bored with the whole cookies and milk thing, and wanted to tell you something truly impressive about what we do here."

And now, every Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday, or Arbor Day, whenever we get together to bbq or deep fry a turkey, someone has to bring up:

"The Cow Story."

Welcome to the temple of the $

Sometimes I go and buy things I don't really want, and really, really don't need, because I am a proud American.

Birthplace of the idea for Squish the Klown. Not for nothing, don't buy any balloons there. The place is festooned with the phony Clown types (I think the proceeds from all balloon sales support some cult or something).

oh yeah! I forgot...

Sure, they aren't around much there anymore...but just a hop skip and jump down the road...Minneapolis. One hour away. And of course I go there ALL the time.

Not to be outdone...

Over at hongkongcavalier, Chris is pointing out how cool San Francisco is, here at the complex we are tooting are own horn regarding the splendor of Wisconsin.

On a serious note, I am glad to see that he and Nancy made it home. Now if I can just figure out a way to extract myself from this cheese trap.

is there any reason not to love these guys?

Obviously, the Klown loves to get his boogie on. Obviously.

If your only language is English, give it a second...

How to turn your head inside out...

Super Strength Visual Hypnosis - Funny home videos are a click away

Ink Jet Autopsy

The Dirty Little Secret of Inkjet Printers - Click here for funny video clips

What would life be like without...

Pretty damn intolerable. That's all I am saying. Put it on vanilla ice cream. Seriously. I haven't but I have heard that people do.

First rule of Fight Club...you wouldn't like me when I get angry

Does that really count?

Sorry for going porn two days in a row, but what else are you going to do when it's raining AND snowing outside?



Earlier this year, Stormy Daniels won the 2008 AVN Award for Crossover Star of the year. This was the same awards ceremony that Jenna Jameson, sadly, announced her retirement from the hardcore industry (in front of the camera).



Stormy's crossover credits include:

1) well, herself...in a porn video being watched by the 40-Year-Old-Virgin

2) a lap dancer in the movie Knocked Up

3) a seductress stripper in FX's Dirt

4) and a pole dancer in Maroon 5's "Wake up call" video

What's the difference between a lap dancer and a pole dancer you might ask? About 100 bucks.

SFX insert rimshot here


Crossed over? Yikes. I don't think psychic flim-flam man John Edward could even fake his way through that cross over.



It's great that Stormy found some work doing mainstream films (whatever the hell those are these days: Read Crooked Little Vein for a bit better explanation on this phenomenon).



I am going out on a limb here and saying that crossing over would require, hmm...acting? Meryl Streep worthy shit...know what I mean?



Now, crossing over in the other direction, well, that's a back massager of a different utility. Chloë Sevigny's bj in the Brown Bunny proves that I will sit through an art flick, no matter how boring, how pretentious, or self indulgent just to say..."holy shit! did she really just do that?!" And yes, yes she did.

Proving yet again, I will buy anything with a porn star's endorsement

I will skip the obvious joke here that Jenna Jameson's new comic book is published by Virgin Comics. See? I feel better about myself already. Co-written with Witchblade's Christina Z, Shadow Hunter has nothing to offer other than some cool variant covers (J. Michael Linsner for one), and well, better than average pencil work inside.

Abandoned daugher of a demon discovers the truth about her father and battles good and evil, but the distinction between the two isn't always clear...yawn.

If you got your start in the "arts" making adult entertainment, AND you are parlaying that name recognition into merchandising (Gene Simmons, anyone?) then a PG13 rehashing of the whole good/evil paradigm is bound to be a let down. Now Virgin Comics isn't just capitalizing on Jenna Jameson's brand name. They have John Woo, Dave Stewart (yes, the Eurythmics guy, I had to look it up too, so don't worry) and Guy Ritchie shilling for them as well.

And yes, I bought Shadow Hunter because the now porn-retired Jameson still makes my heart go pitty-patty-boom-boom whenever I see her clothed or not clothed. Anyone who has seen her E! Television special knows that she is not just a pretty face and injected mammaries. Jameson is as big a marketing genius, if not bigger than the heretofore mentioned Mr. Simmons of KISS fame.

Jameson's name and Christina Z's talent would have been better displayed by Avatar Press with their no-holds-barred approach to the comics industry.



Where Shadow Hunter may have failed, Zombie Strippers promises to succeed. This tongue-in-cheek throwback to Drive-In horrorfests has the potential to carve out Jameson's spot in B-movie heaven.

Ah...the nostalgia...the good old days of borrowing the Klown Mobile, a trunk full of fellow revellers, a stolen first kiss during the original Friday 13th...

...seeing a Jameson movie for the first time...

It's enough to make a Klown shed real Klown tears, isn't it?

-sistible? Uh, okay...still going to vote for him.

Very uncomfortable